chips and guilt...

...last night around midnight, I found myself craving chips.  Now, I'm not really much of a 'chip' person, with the exception of Doritos.  I could eat a whole bag of Doritos in one sitting, which is why I generally don't buy Doritos, 'cuz who wants the guilt of eating a whole bag of chips, while swatting your children's hands away from the bag and growling at them. But, anyway, I had chips on the mind, I couldn't sleep, so I went to the pantry and took out a bag Lay's. As I sat in bed eating my Lay's, that old, familiar "you shouldn't be eating junk food in bed at 12 a.m." feeling kicks in. I feel guilty, not just about the chips, but also about the fact that I could've been a better daughter. When we moved back to Az., after being gone for a decade, I found my Mother much changed. She was more mellow, laid back, unassuming. She didn't ask for anything, she didn't try to impose herself in my life, she just wanted to be a part of it. But, old wounds run deep. As much as she had changed, I had stayed the same. I was still the same angry, frightened, damaged girl I have always been, and that was my folly, not hers. That's all on me. Guilty as charged. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.  Which reminds me of how my Mom would refuse to play Monopoly with us because we'd all ended up  yelling and cursing each other. But, I digress. And, like countless others who have had loved ones pass away, I have guilt and regret.  Guilt and regret. I know my mother loved me. She wasn't perfect, but then again, neither was I. She did the best she could, she made sure I didn't starve or drown or drink bleach. She provided me with food, shelter and clothing until I was old enough to do those things for myself, and, she loved me. She loved me. And, in the end, that's all that really matters. So, as I ate my chips, I resigned myself to the fact that the old cliche was true, Mothers really do always get the last word.

bad habits

i am often told i have a lot of "bad habits". this is very confusing to me, because it usually goes something like this: "you have a bad habit of ____" then they name something i do NOT do. for example: "you have a bad habit of not washing your car", or "you have a bad habit of not exercising", or "you have a bad habit of not answering your phone". only i rarely, if ever, do any of those things, so how can they be considered a "habit" at all? maybe because i habitually neglect to do these things? i don't know. but, you know what i do have a bad habit of? telling people to mind their own GD business, and not using proper grammar or punctuation. now, those are definitely "bad" habits, in my opinion. but i should get free pass when it comes to telling people to mind their own GD business, because no one likes nosey a** people, right? and, when you really think about it, we all have at least one bad habit; smoking, picking your nose, spitting, chewing with your mouth open, telling other people when you think they have a bad habit of not doing something. i think this world would be a better place if we worked on fixing our own bad habits instead of pointing out other people's bad habits to them. so, next time you see me drive by in my dirty van, don't judge! instead, remind yourself to stop picking your nose. and, mind your own GD business!

Lizards and balls and Star Wars, oh my!

The weather has taken a strange turn for the colder and I don't like it one bit. As my profile clearly states, I am a 'desert rat'. Which does not mean I am a desert-dwelling rodent, as the title suggests, but rather that I enjoy the hot, dry climate of the SE Az. desert. Don't ask me why, I didn't make it up, I just wear the nonsensical description proudly. But, as I was saying, it has been rather chilly here lately, as opposed to the heat I have anxiously been awaiting. I cannot function when I am cold. I am like those lizards who froze and fell out of their trees during the winter in Florida. I'm just like that, except I don't live in a tree. The cold makes me feel how I imagine testicle might feel when they come into contact with frigid water; shriveled, impotent, paralyzed and really fuckin' cold. When it is cold, I like to pretend I am on the planet Hoth, with only a gutted Tauntaun to keep me warm. This entertains me while I am huddled under my comforter, in my pj's and warm, fuzzy, socks, all day. Sometimes, I make emergency trips to Echo Base, aka the kitchen, for sustenance before returning to my lair. Sometimes I speak like Yoda when asked questions. For example, child: "Mom, what are you doing?", me: "keeping warm, I am...mmmm?", child: "Dad, Mom's talking like Yoda again!". Now, I know you Star Wars fanatics are chomping at the bit to point out that Yoda was never on the planet Hoth, but I have yet to perfect my Chewbacca impression so a break you will give me...mmmmm?

captcha my asscha

If you had any idea how long it took me to access this blog again and how many GD captchas I had to enter, you'd call me an idiot for wasting so much time. Now I'm too tired to blog. And, if it was all for naught and I find myself unable to log back in again tomorrow, well, then that would mean I'm an even bigger idiot than you originally thought. But, let this be a lesson to all you careless young(and not-so-young)sters, don't go around blatantly creating blogs then forgetting about them for years, because then you too will have to exchange your soul or youngest child (whichever you may posses) to regain access to said blog. Don't say you weren't warned!