chips and guilt...

...last night around midnight, I found myself craving chips.  Now, I'm not really much of a 'chip' person, with the exception of Doritos.  I could eat a whole bag of Doritos in one sitting, which is why I generally don't buy Doritos, 'cuz who wants the guilt of eating a whole bag of chips, while swatting your children's hands away from the bag and growling at them. But, anyway, I had chips on the mind, I couldn't sleep, so I went to the pantry and took out a bag Lay's. As I sat in bed eating my Lay's, that old, familiar "you shouldn't be eating junk food in bed at 12 a.m." feeling kicks in. I feel guilty, not just about the chips, but also about the fact that I could've been a better daughter. When we moved back to Az., after being gone for a decade, I found my Mother much changed. She was more mellow, laid back, unassuming. She didn't ask for anything, she didn't try to impose herself in my life, she just wanted to be a part of it. But, old wounds run deep. As much as she had changed, I had stayed the same. I was still the same angry, frightened, damaged girl I have always been, and that was my folly, not hers. That's all on me. Guilty as charged. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.  Which reminds me of how my Mom would refuse to play Monopoly with us because we'd all ended up  yelling and cursing each other. But, I digress. And, like countless others who have had loved ones pass away, I have guilt and regret.  Guilt and regret. I know my mother loved me. She wasn't perfect, but then again, neither was I. She did the best she could, she made sure I didn't starve or drown or drink bleach. She provided me with food, shelter and clothing until I was old enough to do those things for myself, and, she loved me. She loved me. And, in the end, that's all that really matters. So, as I ate my chips, I resigned myself to the fact that the old cliche was true, Mothers really do always get the last word.